SO WORCESTER, IT HURTS…#11 by Steve Siddle

August 31, 2011 § Leave a comment

8.31.11

So Worcester, It Hurts…#11

by Steve Siddle

I’m no foodie, but I love good food. I’m no chef, but I’ve cooked for a living and I’m decent in the kitchen. Over the years I have come to be known as the “cook in the family” and I usually make the meals for all of our holiday and birthday celebrations. Like most cooks, I find great joy and satisfaction in cooking for a group of friends and I often make up menus in my mind for imaginary dinner parties.

So I when I read about America’s Test Kitchen’s contest to win a preview copy of their new Cookbook, I became giddy with excitement. Understand, I am a cook book snob. The only recipes I trust come from: Cook’s Illustrated (the classic cooking magazine which has spawned America’s Test Kitchen), Mark Bittman (the New York Times food columnist), and the minimalist recipes from Michael Ruhlman’s cooking manifesto, “Ratio.” I despise the Food Network.

The good people at America’s Test Kitchen posted a contest yesterday which asked us that question we cooks so often ask ourselves: If you could have a dream dinner party, who would you invite and what would be on the menu?

The five winners with the most interesting imaginary dinner parties will win a preview copy of their latest cookbook. Here’s what I came up with.

I have always dreamt of holding a secret congregation of Worcester’s most elite hometown hero’s. The theme of the meal would be “Breakfast for Dinner” and we sit around a large picnic table placed directly in the center of the Ballroom in Mechanics Hall. The only other people allowed into the room besides myself and the guests of honor would be a few out of work Boston Billiards cocktail waitresses I hired for the night.

The meal would be served “family style” and the only drinks served will be Coffee, Cold Whole Milk, Water and Whiskey. Everybody will be frisked upon entering to ensure that no recording devices are snuck in. The Boston Billiards girls may be frisked more than once.

The menu will be as follows: Blueberry Pancakes with Maple Syrup; Bacon; Homemade Chicken Sausage Patties; Denver Omelets; Red Flannel Hash; Grilled Tomatoes and Onions; Apple slices sautéed in Butter and Brown Sugar; Fresh Strawberries.

If any guest has allergies or is on a restrictive diet, they will be ridiculed. All guests are expected to be Certified Members of the Clean Plate Club.

The guest list, after much consideration, is as follows:

– The late Mr Abbie Hoffman. Anarchist, Yippie and the only person from Worcester, Ma to ever attempt to levitate the Pentagon.

– Denis Leary. Coked up comedian from Main South who became big time movie star after a tour de force portrayal of Sgt. Cooper in the classic film “Who’s theMan.”

– Tommy Heinson. Legendary player/Coach/ broadcaster for the Boston Celtics. Best known for making out with Maria Menounous on national television. (Ok, ok, maybe he didn’t make out with her, but he definitely kissed her on the lips and for that he gets “A Stevie Point!”

-Lt. Governor of Massachusetts Tim Murray.West Sideboy done good. And he better not forget where he came from.

 -John Lurie. Cool jazzy actor best know for his role in “Down by Law” and for his surrealistic celebrity sport-fishing sitcom “Fishing with John.” Once supposedly described his beloved hometown thusly; “Worcester, Ma has a dome over it and God is not allowed in.”

-The late, great Mark “the Bird” Fidrych. Eccentric Major Leauge Pitcher and Detroit hero who died suddenly a few years ago.

            and finally,

– The Coors Light Twins. Blonde sisters who leapt from Worcester onto the bedroom walls of adolescent males and into Correctional Facility bathroom stalls in the late 1990’s.

Ok. Now give me my cookbook.

Read more by Steve Siddle

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